What do Penguins have to do with it?

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the colours, the smell, the sounds, I even love the weather, nothing like snuggling up on the sofa with a bowl of Scouse (sorry to those of you not from Liverpool an do not know what this is!) while the wind and rain whirl around outside but the best bit about Autumn is signifies the lead up to Christmas!!!

I have always loved Christmas. I can spend hours trailing around garden centres looking at their amazing decorations and picking out my favourite tree (which incidentally I never actually buy...) but I do make sure I don't start too early, I wont go Christmas crazy until at least the 10th November. I think if I start too early the magic will wear off, so once the 2nd week of November is upon us, there is no stopping me. So imagine my excitement this year with it being Baby B's first ever Christmas! I've visited two Garden Centres already. On went Santa Hats, Reindeer Antlers and sparkly tiaras. We 'oohed' & 'aahed' in the fairy light section, fluffy Robins and talking penguins (although what Penguins have to do with Christmas in any way always confuses me?) were stroked and tickled, all made even more exciting knowing that Baby B is experiencing it all for the very first time... maybe I should actually take her with me next time. I am of course joking, Baby B was very much with me on these magical visits. However all of these things are just the same as I would do any year, the really exciting bit, the bit that I have dreamt of since I was about 10, and it stopped being quite as acceptable, is the thing that childhood dreams are made of, the ultimate Christmas experience, (have I built this up a bit too much?) Visiting Father Christmas' Grotto! For years I have longed to just pop inside the grotto and soak up the amazing magical atmosphere that exists solely inside there, so much so that I was even tempted to apply for a job as an Elf one year..., and this year (but not before December) I can actually go, I have the perfect reason, nobody will wonder what a twenty-something girl is doing lurking around the Toyshop peering into the snowy white walls of Santa's workshop because I am a mum this year, I will proudly walk up to the entrance and pay the probably extortionate entrance price (I'm sure is was about £2 in my day) I will absorb every fairy light and every snowflake, I will smile at each and every Elf and then when the ultimate destination is reached I will place Baby B onto the lap of the perfectly round and jolly, white fluffy bearded Father Christmas, who in my head resembles the one from Santa Claus the Movie but in reality will be more like Billy bob Thornton in Bad Santa, and then I will go home and get out the decorations and the mince pies, put on Santa Claus the Movie and allow the magic of Christmas to wash over me, all the while dreaming about the actual event.

Christmas Eve will be laden with festive music and mince pies. Mr B and I will tuck Baby B into bed and then we will wait for his visit. The following morning we will all snuggle up into bed with our stockings and giggle in glee as we watch Baby B eat all the discarded wrapping paper. We will saunter downstairs after a while and have chocolates followed by breakfast, Baby B will try and pull the tree over, the traditional Christmas telly programmes will be on and then we will all get dressed into our especially bought outfits and we'll do the rounds to the family. I know that in reality it will nothing like this but ssssh don't burst my bubble. So there you go, you now know my love of the Festive time. I am still very much a child at heart and nobody will ever stop this. I am not even asking for anything off Father Christmas this year because I already have everything I could ever want.

Now Where Did I Put it...?

I am now officially a stay at home mum, although before you think I'm a very lucky lady to be able to have the luxury of staying at home with my angel all day, it is through necessity not ability. I had to leave my previous job as the hours were impossible to fit into our new life and I am unable to find a new one.

At first the whole SAHM thing seemed amazing, I get to spend copious amounts of time with baby b while catching up with friends over a nice lazy lunch or I could spend whole afternoons shopping at leisure, idyllic? except the reality is I spend most of the day chasing round after a 8 month old who likes to touch everything she shouldn't, I can't meet friends for lazy lunch or shopping because they are in work and the other vital flaw in me being a SAHM is that I am unemployed i.e no wage and I miss work. Not the actual 'work' bit (I'm not completely insane!) but I miss the comaraderie of the workplace, I miss the day to day exchange with colleagues and customers alike, I miss gossiping over a cup of tea, I miss dressing up in every piece of jewellery from the lost property box and pretending to be gangster, I miss the quiet late nights laughing at the weird customer who just stumbled into reception (I'm starting to think I shouldn't show any future employers this...) I had never realised until now how much my job shaped me as a person, I was never a girl who's job was their life or anything, I didn't do a super important serious job but it was the kind of job that provided conversation, a place where something was always happening and I thrived on that. Now I kind of feel a bit, well, lost? like a little bit of me has disappeared and I'm not sure where I've put it? but I also know if someone came up to me tomorrow and offered me the perfect job I would hesitate, because being a mum is actually pretty perfect in itself.